So for a while now I was rather melancholy about stuff, because... well... I recently learned about this book. It's called Captured by Fate. It's about a female mage whose spell misfires and gets her trapped within the body of a dragon(-et), and then gets raised as one. (The Kickstarter page is here: [link]
Now I know I haven't really thought about this kind of thing for months, at the least. My interests tend to come and go, and I thought I was happier with life now, that I was over this phase. Even if I was a bit unhappy with the world, I could more-or-less lead a normal life.
But the moment I read this synopsis, it made me think. Because this is exactly the kind of thing that I wish for. Not the book - though I'd love to get a copy and start reading - but that... plot. It somehow reaches inside me and reminds me of what I wanted, perhaps a year or two ago, and that I still want it.
I know I renounced being a draconic, being an anything other than being agnostic, because I couldn't get myself to believe that I really was a dragon spirit trapped in a human body. As far as I could tell, I was a human. That's all. But this... what I realize now is that whatever spirit I am (and as far as I'm concerned spirits are colorless), I really just want to be a dragon. Not just that. I am sick of the human world, of my human body, of having to do things that I really don't want to do ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
(I know it's a bit melodramatic, but when the "things that I really don't want to do" involve interacting with people in any way other than the spiritual, I think I get a pass. I really don't like having to think about every move I make and feeling awkward while I'm doing it. I get tired of talking to people easily.)
This may just be escapist, of course, evidence of an unhealthy mind and maybe a sign that I ought to go to a counsellor and become normal. And I probably should, someday, but I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be a dragon myself, and I don't see the appeal of becoming "normal" - assuming you can even find an accurate description of that. I don't think there are any good or bad decisions, just different benefits and costs and such. In this case, I don't see my want to be a dragon as a bad thing at all.
Now, some good news: No, I'm not suicidal in the least. Yes, I can interact with society, as long as I need to. And yes, I can probably conceal my inner turmoil from anyone else. Only thing is that I often appear as moody and depressed to others, but, y'know, that's normal for me.
But I really do not like living in this world, generally speaking. I'm not Aurora - I can derive some pleasure here and there, maybe enjoy things like reading and playing games and, potentially, suiting up, but if I had the chance to "jump ship", metaphorically speaking, I'd probably take it. Even more so if there's a time-delay on it.
Still, for now, such an opportunity is not forthcoming, and is unlikely to appear anywhere within my lifetime, so... I guess I'll just continue to read books, play games, and fantasize what could happen.
And, ultimately, pray that at the end of my lifespan, whenever that comes, I will have the opportunity to go. And I mean pray, literally.
By the way, another concern.
Now I know there are myriad depictions of dragons all over the place, but what are the common traits between all of them? And what would a society of dragons be like?
According to my own beliefs and guesses, dragons as a race would be composed of few but large and mighty individuals, with both females and males having nearly the same abilities (as opposed to humans, with females being more "nest-defenders" and males being more "hunters"), and probably with some limited magic ability (thanks to the square-cube law, or alternatively a world where those laws don't apply - but I'm not one to analyze the consequences of THAT), at least for flight.
Following from that, draconic society would be, if it exists, rather tribal. The main allegiance would be between members of a "family", so to speak, and possibly going down to the male adult, the female adult, and the dragonets (and which would then break up once the dragonets leave the nest). Kinda like birds, frankly. I don't personally hold with the "noble warrior race" kind of thing, with legends and that kind of thing, but it would be a nice surprise. I expect brawn and martial (and possibly magical) ability to take precedence over brains and beauty ('cough'), and, well, no civilization or technology, or if it exists to either be based off magic ("magitek") or very isolated and basic. Even fire and the wheel might not exist - who needs wheels when you have wings? (Answer: you if you don't want to drag a whole load of cargo with you on your flight, that's who.)
The main dominions would be mountains, I guess - forests and other woody areas would be too crowded, plains and deserts would be too exposed, and mountains both provide caves and a nice launching point. Diet - do I need to cover this? They should be near the top, if not at the top, of the food chain. I can't think of much, besides another dragon, that could eat a dragon.
Enemies would include most other predators (competition for food), other dragons (for land and whatnot), and the climate - a migratory instinct might be present. Other threats to survival would include the usual disease and age - old age will not be kind.
Basically, the main factor preventing advancement of draconic society would be the lack of individuals, the disincentive from cooperation and focus on physical over mental strength. Larger numbers would promote either greater population growth or intelligence to increase effectiveness of numbers (weaponry, strategy, etc). Frankly, I think humanity is somewhat lucky not to have evolved into explosive, krogan-type breeders. It'd be like having ants take over the world. (Not that they've completely neglected that part, though - humans are polygamous by nature.)
Draconic evolution would probably result in hyper-lethal bodies or very effective tactics such as aerial maneuvers, or on the opposite side, if a bunch of smaller (read: weaker) dragons managed to band together, eventual tribalism and group tactics and survival strategies. However, I don't expect it to evolve much past that for a long time, if ever. Think Native Americans.
Would I actually give up human society for a place in that? Yes, actually. Why?
1. Stronger bodies, as compared to "puny humans". Flight alone would be wonderful, but being a natural predator is awesome.
2. Some room for intelligence. I know, I like my intelligence, and I know it won't mean much in a draconic world, but there's got to be some room for a creative dragon to flourish. Especially if I retain my memories.
3. More honest interactions. Comes with the lack of social contact in the first place, but I doubt there is much room for political maneuvering when the top two reasons for meeting are fighting and bonking. Beats having to judge your place in the social ladder and figuring out how to go up. (I find myself doing this a lot. It's not good to fall down too much: although I'm probably not far from the bottom, I do have some status as being immaculately honest and innocent (read: naive). It'd be nice if everyone were the same and I could stop worrying about status.)
4. Let's face it, I like dragons.
As a final note, I am re-discovering my obsession. I had a dream last night about being a dragon - sorry, becoming stuck as a dragon -, I am going to fork out money just to order that book, and I hope some day there will be an opportunity to suit up as a dragon. Hopefully I can get something around that whole "reborn" thing. Rebirth is a powerful concept.
Plus, I should probably try and find that whole "spirituality" thing again. If nothing else, it'll give me quite a bit of comfort - I do wonder what's beyond the veil. I'll be on Draconic. (The forum, that is.)
On a final note, this is going to get double-posted on both DA and LJ, and possibly my FA as well. I know I swore not to touch my LJ anymore, but it remains the most reliable way of reaching out to the people that matter.